Your Values Are Your Roots: How to Build a Life That Actually Fits You

You're scrolling through job postings, and none of them feel right.

Or maybe you just got promoted to a role that looks impressive on paper, but something about it feels off.

Perhaps you're making decisions that everyone else thinks are great, but deep down, you feel disconnected from your own life.

Here's what's probably happening: You're making choices based on what you think you should want, what looks good to others, or what feels safe, without ever stopping to ask what actually matters to you.

Your values are your foundation. They're what everything else grows from. And when your choices are disconnected from your values, life starts to feel hollow, even when everything looks fine from the outside.

What Values Actually Are (And What They're Not)

Values aren't goals. They're not things you achieve or check off a list.

They're the qualities and experiences you want more of in your life. They're what makes something feel meaningful to you, even when it's hard.

For example:

• Freedom is a value. Taking a specific trip is a goal.

• Connection is a value. Making three new friends is a goal.

• Growth is a value. Learning Spanish is a goal.

• Creativity is a value. Writing a novel is a goal.

Values are directional. They guide how you move through the world, what you prioritize, and what trade-offs you're willing to make.

And here's the important part: Your values are yours. Not your parents'. Not society's. Not what Instagram says you should care about.

What actually matters to you? That's the question most people never honestly ask themselves.

Why Most People Are Living Someone Else's Values

Think about the major decisions you've made in the last few years.

Did you choose that job because it aligned with what you value, or because it looked good on a resume?

Did you stay in that relationship because it felt right to you, or because you thought you should?

Did you move to that city because you wanted to be there, or because that's where the opportunities were?

Most of us make decisions based on external metrics of success without ever defining what success actually means to us personally.

We chase things that are supposed to make us happy, the impressive job title, the big salary, the relationship that looks good from the outside, and then wonder why we still feel empty.

It's because we're optimizing for the wrong things. We're building a life based on borrowed values instead of our own.

The Cost of Ignoring Your Values

When you're disconnected from your values, you end up:

Living in constant tension. You're doing things that look right but feel wrong. You're successful in ways that don't actually matter to you. You're meeting other people's expectations while ignoring your own needs.

Feeling directionless. Without clear values, every decision feels overwhelming because you have no internal compass. You're trying to figure out what to do without knowing what matters to you.

Burning out faster. When your daily life doesn't align with your values, everything feels like a grind. You're spending energy on things that don't refuel you. Nothing feels meaningful enough to sustain the effort.

Resenting the life you've built. You make all the "right" choices, but they don't add up to a life that feels like yours. You look around and think, "This is what I'm supposed to want, so why don't I want it?"

This is what happens when you build without a foundation. The structure might look solid from the outside, but it doesn't actually hold you.

How to Identify Your Actual Values

Most people have never sat down and consciously identified what they value. They've just absorbed values from their family, their culture, their social circle, and assumed those are their own.

But your values aren't what you think you should value. They're what you actually value, whether or not it's convenient or impressive.

Here's how to figure out what's actually true for you:

1. Pay Attention to What You Want to Feel More Of

Instead of asking "What do I want to do with my life?" (too big, too abstract), ask yourself:

"What do I want to feel more of in my life?"

Not what you want to have or accomplish. What you want to feel.

Do you want more:

• Peace and calm?

• Excitement and adventure?

• Connection and belonging?

• Freedom and independence?

• Security and stability?

• Purpose and impact?

• Creativity and self-expression?

• Learning and growth?

Your answer points to your values. The feelings you're craving are tied to the things that matter most to you.

2. Notice When You Feel Most Alive

Think about moments in your life when you felt truly engaged, energized, or fulfilled. Not just happy, but deeply satisfied.

What were you doing? Who were you with? What about that experience made it meaningful?

Those moments are data. They're showing you what you value in action.

For example:

• If you felt most alive while solving a complex problem at work, you might value challenge or mastery.

• If you felt most yourself during a deep conversation with a friend, you might value authenticity or connection.

• If you felt most energized after helping someone, you might value service or impact.

Pay attention to the patterns. What keeps showing up?

3. Look at What You're Willing to Sacrifice For

Your values become clear when you look at what you're willing to give up in order to protect or pursue something else.

What are you willing to:

• Work late for?

• Say no to other opportunities for?

• Have difficult conversations about?

• Rearrange your life to prioritize?

If you're willing to take a pay cut for more flexibility, you probably value freedom over financial security.

If you're willing to stay in a job you don't love because it allows you to be present for your family, you probably value connection over achievement.

If you're willing to move across the country to pursue an opportunity, you might value growth or adventure over stability.

There's no right answer. But your choices reveal what actually matters to you, not what you think should matter.

4. Identify What Makes You Angry or Frustrated

Your values also show up in what bothers you.

What makes you angry? What violations feel personal, even when they don't directly affect you?

If you get frustrated when people are dishonest, you probably value integrity or authenticity.

If you're bothered by inefficiency or wasted time, you might value effectiveness or purpose.

If inequality or injustice makes you angry, you might value fairness or compassion.

Your frustration is information. It's telling you what matters enough to you that violations of it feel wrong.

5. Ask: "If I Could Design My Ideal Day..."

Imagine you could design your ideal day, with no constraints. Not a vacation day, a regular day

that you'd be happy living over and over.

What does it include?

• What time do you wake up?

• Who are you with (if anyone)?

• What are you doing?

• What does your environment look like?

• How much structure vs. flexibility do you have?

• What makes the day feel meaningful?

Your answers reveal what you value in how you spend your time, who you spend it with, and what kind of life feels sustainable and fulfilling to you.

Common Values (And What They Actually Mean)

Here are some common values and what prioritizing them might look like in real life:

Freedom/Autonomy: You want control over your time, choices, and direction. You're willing to trade security for flexibility. You resist being told what to do or how to do it.

Connection/Belonging: Relationships are central to your life. You make decisions based on who you'll be near and how much time you'll have for people. Loneliness feels unbearable.

Growth/Learning: You need to be challenged and developing new skills. Stagnation feels like death. You're willing to be uncomfortable if it means you're expanding.

Security/Stability: You want predictability and safety. You make choices that minimize risk. You build slowly and carefully rather than taking big leaps.

Impact/Purpose: You need to feel like your work matters and contributes to something beyond yourself. Money or prestige alone doesn't motivate you, you need meaning.

Creativity/Self-Expression: You need outlets to create, build, or express yourself. You feel stifled in environments that are rigid or formulaic.

Achievement/Excellence: You're driven by doing things well and reaching high standards. You're motivated by challenge and accomplishment.

Peace/Harmony: You avoid conflict and chaos. You need calm, order, and environments where you feel settled.

Adventure/Novelty: You need change, excitement, and new experiences. Routine feels suffocating. You're energized by the unknown.

There's no hierarchy here. None of these is better or worse. The question is: which ones are actually true for you?

How to Use Your Values to Make Decisions

Once you know your values, they become your decision-making compass.

When you're faced with a choice, a job offer, a relationship question, where to live, how to spend your time, you can filter it through your values:

Ask: "Does this align with what I value?"

Not "Is this a good opportunity?" or "What would other people think?"

Does this choice move you closer to the life you want to feel, or further away from it?

Example 1: Job Decision

You have two job offers:

• Job A: Higher salary, prestigious company, long hours, limited flexibility

• Job B: Lower salary, smaller company, reasonable hours, more autonomy

If you value achievement and financial security most, Job A might be the right choice.

If you value freedom and balance most, Job B aligns better.

Neither is "right." But one is right for you based on what you actually value.

Example 2: Relationship Decision

You're in a relationship that looks great on paper. Your partner is kind, stable, successful. But something feels off.

Ask yourself: Does this relationship honor what I value?

If you value deep emotional connection and you're not getting that, the relationship might not fit, even if there's nothing "wrong" with it.

If you value security and partnership and this relationship provides that, maybe the "off" feeling is just fear or comparison to some other ideal.

Your values help you discern what's actually important versus what you think should be important.

Example 3: Life Direction Decision

You're trying to decide whether to stay in your current city or move somewhere new.

If you value connection and community, and you've built deep relationships where you are, staying might honor your values more, even if the new city has better career opportunities.

If you value growth and adventure, staying might feel safe but misaligned, even if it's the "sensible" choice.

Your values don't make the decision for you. But they clarify what you're optimizing for.

When Your Values Conflict

Sometimes your values will conflict with each other, and that's when decisions get hard.

You might value both freedom and security, but a choice requires you to prioritize one over the other.

You might value both impact and balance, but the work that feels most meaningful also demands the most time.

This is normal. Values-based living isn't about having zero tension. It's about consciously choosing which value takes priority in a given situation, rather than defaulting to what you think you should do.

The key is being aware of the trade-off you're making and choosing it intentionally, rather than resenting it later.

Your Values Will Evolve (And That's Okay)

The values that matter to you at 22 might not be the same ones that matter at 32.

Early in your career, you might prioritize growth and achievement. Later, you might shift toward balance and connection.

In your twenties, you might value adventure and novelty. In your thirties, you might value stability and peace.

That doesn't mean you were wrong before. It means you're changing, and your values are changing with you.

Check in with yourself regularly. Don't assume the values you identified five years ago are still driving you today.

Building Your Life from Your Roots Up

Here's the framework:

Your values are your roots. They're your foundation. They're what you build everything else on.

Your perspective grows from your values. When you know what matters to you, you see the world differently. You notice different opportunities. You interpret situations through a different lens.

Your actions grow from your perspective. When your perspective is grounded in your values, your choices become clearer. You know what to say yes to and what to say no to.

This is the Blossom framework: Values → Perspective → Action.

You can't skip the foundation. You can't build a meaningful life without knowing what you're building it on.

What This Looks Like in Practice

Instead of asking: "What job should I take?"

Ask: "What do I value most right now, and which opportunity aligns with that?"

Instead of asking: "Should I stay or should I go?"

Ask: "What do I value in relationships, and is this relationship honoring that?"

Instead of asking: "What's the right decision?"

Ask: "What decision aligns with who I want to be and how I want to live?"

Your values won't make hard decisions easy. But they will make them clearer.

Start Here

If you've never consciously identified your values, start now.

You don't need to have it all figured out. You just need to start paying attention.

Ask yourself:

• What do I want to feel more of in my life?

• When have I felt most alive, and what was I doing?

• What am I willing to sacrifice for?

• What makes me angry when it's violated?

Your answers will point you toward your values. And your values will point you toward the life that actually fits you.

Because you can't build a life that feels like yours if you don't know what you're building it on.

Your values are your roots. Everything else grows from there.

About Blossom Behavioral Solutions

I'm a life coach helping young adults navigate transitions, find direction, and build lives that actually align with who they are. I work with people who feel stuck, disconnected, or unsure of what's next, and help them get clear on what they value so they can make decisions that feel right, not just look right.

If you're ready to build a life from your roots up, let's talk. You don't have to figure this out alone.